I'm watching time and age actively dismantle my mom's body and mind. People lose there mental faculties from all manner of illnesses other than the usual dementia diagnoses. Mom has an autoimmune disorder and takes drugs to suppress her immune system so she has mental deficits from chronic and virulent infections that never fully go away plus multiple strokes. She is also in the early stages of dementia, has diabetes, atrial fibrillation, stage 3 kidney disease, and several other things.

I often think that if I could go back 3 years and allow my well mother a peek into the future at herself in today's condition, I'm absolutely certain she would be horrified. My mother is being tortured. I deal with the fact that the woman in the bed today bears no resemblance to the woman I knew because I have to. My mother as I knew her is already gone. I love this woman too, but I miss my mom. We are past the time when she was sensitive to how undignified this process is, so I don't have to worry too much about her injured pride anymore. Now I see the fear and anxiety, the fatigue, and her confusion. She can't process what is happening to her and she can't understand WHY she is having to endure it.

It is excruciating some days, so I'd rather it go quickly for her and for me.