Things I never thought I'd have to say to my own parents:

Daddy, do you need to go to the bathroom before we 1. get in the car, 2. sit down to eat, 3. go in to see the doctor?

Daddy, the nurse tells me you've been scratching down below but you won't let her examine it. I have this cream here she suggested. Please use it. Let me know if things "get outta hand" and this cream isn't doing the job.

Daddy, the ladies here don't appreciate you scratching down below in the dining room. Let's call the doctor!

Daddy, I cannot give you the code to the memory care unit because although you are allowed to come and go, you don't move too fast and the people in here will escape out the door with you and pee in the lobby or worse, disappear. They will try to get in someone's car because they believe they are late for work. They will pick up things off the floor and eat them, etc. So, no - I'm not giving you the numbers so you can be responsible for a mass breakout.

My mom though used to be very funny (now she is medicated and sluggish... but she used to be funny). "Mama, do you need me to bring you anything special next time I come to visit?" Mom: "yes, a martini and a good looking man."

I was helping her put a diaper on in the emergency room about 5 trips to the hospital ago. I was passing the diaper through her legs from the back to a nurse who was standing in front of her. I started laughing because she asked, "what can I do to help?" I said, "nothing. Just be still... and if you pee on my hands, I'm going to kick your ass..." She laughed, which made her pee on my hands....