finally moving out of her townhouse. I asked her why she was moving on Independence Day of all days, and she said it was symbolic of her and her family’s independence from some nut job that lived next door to her. Apparently, the old dude was freaking out the kids, trying to talk to them about some deep philosophical crap and trying to draw obscure parallels between life and classic novels, and offering to cook dinner for them, and give them rides to the library, etc. He also walks around his yard wearing tight, short tennis shorts from the 70’s and a head band that says “I Love Jimmy Connors” or “Want to play with my balls?” Often times he is in his yard pretending he’s a Ninja Warrior but using an old Wilson T2000 tennis racket instead of a katana


She was hoping to freak him out, so that he would move out of the neighborhood, with some bizarre yet harmless mischievous behavior. She’s a cop in Baltimore and had tried to freak out the old guy by making him think her house might be a drug house or something. She knew a couple of cops from the vice squad, that she asked to hang out in the yard, smoking, throwing butts in his yard, and talking covertly on their cell phones as if making a drug deal, at all hours of the day. They finally told her they were afraid that they would develop lung cancer if they had to continue smoking so much while trying to drive the old guy out of the neighborhood. One of them even started acting like Karl, from Sling Blade, and sharpened the old guy’s mower blade while mumbling “biscuits and mustard”. No use. He wouldn’t move.

The last straw came last week when she saw him riding his bicycle (A Schwinn Lemon Peeler with a tall, chopper style sissy bar) around the parking area while wearing nothing but red Chuck Taylor high tops, a jock strap, Rec Spec strap-on goggles, and a John McEnroe wig, screaming “You Cannot Be Serious!”

Anyway, as it turns out, she was the one that became freaked out and decided to move. So, they’re moving out today and telling him they’re doing it for her son’s education.
She did notice him in his driveway this morning, putting red, white and blue tassels on his bike grips, placing red white and blue tissue paper in his spokes, and polishing his “Hello Kitty” bike helmet getting ready to ride to tonight’s fireworks show. She said he’s dressing up like George Washington. She is so happy to get away from him.

Funniest part of the whole move is that she found some ex-con from County lock-up who is out on parole and is participating in a program to assist ex-cons, to move into her place after she moves. She said the ex-con has a really checkered past and she’s surprised he was ever released. He got married while he was in prison and she had to supervise his temporary release and he had to wear cuffs during the ceremony. She feels kind of sorry for the old guy, to be getting the ex-con and his wife as new neighbors, but is really happy to get out of there.